You Can't be Serious
by cuzo
Summary: What happens when the Charmings, The Swans, and Ruby & Belle go on a vacation together. A comedy based light hearted fanfic for those of you who need a break from all the angst. Established SwanQueen, Snowing, Redbeauty and Cora crack. Rated M for language, Sexy times and Ridiculousness. Warning: May cause severe laughter!
1. Chapter 1

Ok so I HAVE NO CLUE where this came from. But I needed to get it out of my system so I continue my other stories. Im sorry for spitting out these random stories but I cant help. I must release my muse. SO this is meant to just be fun and ridiculous because…well I felt like it. Hope you guys enjoy. I had lots of fun writing it. Hope you have fun reading.

I dont own OUAT

Chapter 1. The airplane

"No!" stated Regina firmly as she quickly strutted away from the kitchen leaving a pleading Emma in wake. She couldn't believe her wife had just spontaneously sprung the plans of spending an entire week with the blonde's family. There was no way she would be staying under the same roof as the Charming's. Not a chance.

"Aww come on Regina," whined Emma.

"NO."

"It's won't be that bad, Ruby and Belle will be there too."

"No."

Emma sighed, "Can't you say something other than no?"

"Yes."

"So you'll go?"

"Hell no!"

The blonde quickly followed behind her wife using her best puppy dog eyes and pulling her arm to bring their bodies together, "baby please, we have to go."

Regina pursed her lips and looked away, "_we _don't have to do anything. You can go and I'll stay here."

"Actually, _we _do…" Emma trailed, "I already told Henry who is super excited, and I may have kinda sorta possibly just a tinsy wincey bit already promised my mom."

"You what!?" the brunette looked up at her wife with incredulous brown eyes.

The blonde cringed, "she used the boo boo face." Emma then jutted out her lip in a pout hoping it will work on her wife.

Regina sighed defeated, between the blondes pout face and the idea of breaking Henry's excitement, she really had no choice. "Fine, we'll go." Emma then leaned in for a kiss but was stopped by tanned hands pinching her lips together, she squirmed from discomfort. "But let it be known dear, if I'm not having any fun, neither will you." She let go of the blonde pick lips.

"What's that supposed to mean?" the blonde rubbed lips to soothe away the small pinch the brunettes hold caused.

"It means that your all season pass to Pantyville will be up for a weekly suspension."

"No bumper carts?"

Regina shook her head.

"You know what, imma just call my mom and tell her we can't make it, cos you know…I'm not feeling well." Emma grabbed her wife's hand and placed it on her forehead. "Do I feel warm to you?"

Before the brunette could answer their son Henry came racing downstairs with a large book bag on his back and one of the biggest smile the two have ever seen. "Ma did you tell her yet!?" he asked and continued without waiting for an answer, "Mom we're going to a cabin on a lake! Grandpa said he's going to teach me to fish, and how to make s'mores, and we're gonna go swimming. We're gonna have a cannon ball contest!" at this point the boy was bouncing up and down with excitement.

There was no way of getting out of it now.

Regina turned to look at her wife, "good job honey." She patted the taller woman's arm sarcastically. "I'll go pack."

Emma groaned, "Fuck my life."

* * *

Snow, James, Ruby and Belle were all impatiently waiting in the airport. Their flight leaves in less than a half hour and there was still no sign of the Swan family.

James looked at his watch, "where the hell are they?"

"They should have been here by now," Snow answered.

"Yea if Emma isn't half dead after telling Regina last minute." Ruby stated.

"I thought you said she knew?" questioned Belle.

"No, I said Henry knew. She's been waiting to tell Regina. And guessing by them not being here , it didn't go to well."

Before any of the others could share their views the tell-tale bickering of the Swan couple could be heard, revealing a very annoyed Henry and his two bantering mothers behind him.

"What the hell did you pack Regina? It's only a week not a decade." Emma stated as she pulled in the very heavy blue suitcase.

"Everything that will keep me sane while being under the same roof as your parents."

"You're over exaggerating."

"Your face is exaggerating."

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"Neither does this trip!" Regina fired back.

Henry turned to the grandfather, "they've been like this the whole way here."

"Oh excuse me for not wanting to deny our son of quality time with his grandparents." Emma continued.

"You certainly didn't have any difficulties denying me last night."

"I told you that position is uncomfortable for me. My legs cramped like 15 times."

"You know what else is uncomfortable, the couch that has your name written all over it the second we get back."

"Umm, I'm uncomfortable," James said while raising his hand.

"Yea me too," chimed Belle.

The Swan couple rolled their eyes simultaneously.

"Hi guys," Ruby spoke cheerfully, trying to lighten the mood. "Glad you can make it."

"Hey Rubes," Emma started, "Mom, Dad, Belle." She muttered while turning the suitcase upright to stand on its own. Regina remained quiet, still clearly annoyed about this trip that was forced onto her at the last minute. Perhaps it would be easier if she had known ahead of time. But of course, things just never went the way she wanted.

A mechanic voice than rang through the airport._ Flight 26a to Florence South Carolina now boarding. _

Charming then motioned over to his blonde daughter helping her with the suitcase, "that's us. We better get going." The group then followed behind James as he lugged the large suitcase. "Really Regina, what did you pack in here?"

The brunette ignored the question continuing to walk forward holding hands with Henry as they handed in their tickets and boarded the plane.

Emma, Regina, Henry, Ruby and Belle all went in one direction as Snow and Charming went in the other. Belle was the first to notice before speaking, "Why are you guys going that way? First class is on this side."

"Uhh," James stuttered looking between Belle and his wife, "we decided coach was better for us."

"Why?"

"Yeah why?" Emma questioned. Not that coach was a bad thing. But they were all supposed to be sitting in first class together. It was meant to be the official beginning of their family time.

"We have our reasons," Snow answered.

"Suit yourself," Emma shrugged.

"Ma can I sit with grandma and grandpa pleeaassee."

"Ask your mother," the blonde answered smartly. She was already in deep with the brunette. And not in the way she wanted.

"There's no room for you Henry."

"But I want to be with them."

"So then what do we do with the single window seat Emma got for you?" Regina questioned.

Window seat? Single? All to himself? Henry seemed to think for a moment before blurting out to his grandparents, "I'll uh, see you when we get there." He then rushed off quickly finding his seat and settling in. His two mothers motioning over to their own conjoined seats in the row opposite of his own. Ruby and Belle also found their own seats.

...

The plane hadn't even taken off before trouble started.

"Your mothers losing her shit." Ruby half panicked.

"What?" asked a confused Emma. Regina rolled her eyes at what she deemed was stupidity. Seriously, it just had to be her true love that was related to the two idiots.

"She's freaking out."

"What? Why? We haven't even moved yet."

"Well apparently your mother has never been on a plane before. You need to go talk to her." Ruby urged. She for one had never been on a plane either but it didn't seem to scare her or the others.

Emma grumbled as she stood from her seat and passed the curtains separating first class and coach. Without much effort she spotted her father who was trying desperately to calm down the pixie brunette beside him. Mary Margaret was shaking and rocking back and forth like a deranged lunatic.

Emma rolled her eyes, "Ugh she's too old for this shit." She motioned over to her parents placing a gentle hand on her mother's shoulder. "Mom calm down, everything will be fine."

"No!" she snapped pointing a finger causing Emma to jump back, "everything will not be fine. Can you fly a plane!?"

"Erm…no?"

"Then you're grounded!"

"Mom I'm 32."

"Don't back sass me."

Emma furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, "ok fuck this I'm out." She then turned around to head back to her seat. Once she reached back to her wife she sat down roughly beside her and snatched one of the five magazines in the brunettes lap and flipped through it.

"Is your mother ok?" Regina asked.

"Don't care," Emma answered shortly while flicking through the magazine aimlessly.

Ruby then came back over to the Swan couple directing her question to Emma, "how did it go?"

"Not good." The pages of the magazine nearly ripped as pale hands continued to flip them roughly, not bothering to pick up her gaze.

Ruby paused before a mischievous smile crossed her face, "I know just what to do." She then turned to walk off.

Moments later the seatbelt sign flashed signaling that the plane was soon to take off.

Ruby then came back to sit beside Belle with an unreadable smile on her face.

* * *

Mary Margaret swayed slightly in her seat. The decent sized bottle of tequila that Ruby handed her filled her with a warmness she never felt before. Everything seemed so vibrant and new and…hilarious. The pixie brunette began to giggle uncontrollably.

"You ok?" James asked.

"Oh I'm just fiinnneeee," she drew out the last word.

James looked a little weary but remained silent. He really didn't want to make this any worse. The seatbelt light started to blink with a consistent pinging sound.

"Oh that's my song!" Mary Margaret began to bop her head to the bell like pang of the 'fasten your seatbelt light'.

Charming looked at his wife with wide eyes, "…Mar?"

The seatbelt sign then stopped and the pixie brunette looked annoyed. "Boooo, kill the DJay." She shouted.

A loud 'shhh' sounded from an older woman two rows down and Snow turned to snap at her. "Don't you shush me. I can shhh right back. SHHHHHHHHHH" she exaggerated before turning to her husband. "People are so rude."

Charming than slowly sunk his face into one of his hands as the plane took off. This was going to be a very long ride.

...

In first class Emma could hear slight commotion from behind them. It even sounded like her mother but she decided that wasn't possible. Her mother was way too scared to cause any raucous. She glanced over to Henry who was sitting indian style in his single window seat deeply submerged in his video game. It made her happy to know that she had picked the right choice for him; he was kid who liked his privacy, a trait from the brunette mother of course. She then leaned over towards her wife who was sitting by the window and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

Regina smiled in response and turned to bring their lips together sweetly. Emma smiled before kissing her again. "So…about my all seasons pass?"

The brunette raised an amused eyebrow, "what about it?"

"Is it still valid?"

Regina smirked, "it's still under revision."

"What about joining the mile high club?"

"What's that?"

The blonde laughed. "You really don't know?"

A blank look.

Emma then whispered in her wife's ear, "It's when you have sex on a plane." Regina quickly slapped her arm, "ow! No hitting."

"Why would you think that's something I would do? Seriously Emma, in front of all these people." The brunette knew her wife was kinky, but she had her limits.

"It's not like that," the blonde tried to explain, "you don't do it here…we go in one of the bathrooms."

"That's unsanitary. And that will be taken into consideration."

"Of what?"

"The revision of your season's pass."

"What that's not even fair," Emma pouted.

Ruby and Belle then walked passed their seats before Regina had a chance to respond. Emma called out to them, "where are you guys going?"

Ruby answered with a wide grin, "to join the mile high club." Belle blushed brightly at her girlfriends words.

"Omg Regina, even Belle is joining," Emma tried to reason.

"And if Belle jumped off a bridge would you?"

The sound of curtains separating roughly caught the women's ears as they all looked to find a very intoxicated Mary Margaret standing in the door way. "Its Snow White bitches."

Emma looked up at the red streaked brunette with incredulous eyes, "oh Ruby you didn't."

"Belle I think we're late for our club meeting," Ruby quickly stated to her girlfriend before pulling her away from the scene.

Regina turned to her wife, "is your mother…"

"Yep."

"Who…?"

"Ruby."

The pixie brunette scanned the room. Emma ducked down into her seat as Regina stared with amused eyes. "Regina get down or she'll see us!" the blonde loudly whispered before yanking her wife down.

"She already knows we're here," she whispered back.

"Maybe she won't see us."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"PPPSSSTTTTT Emma" Snow loudly hissed while looking through the rows. "Come out; come out, where ever you are." She playfully added.

Regina covered her mouth with her hand to stop from laughing.

"Regina this isn't funny!"

"Your right….it's hysterical." She continued to snicker.

"Shut up, she's gonna hear you."

Mary Margaret's footsteps came closer, "I will find you Emma. I will always find you."

Regina laughed more at the woman's catch phrase before deciding to get even with her wife for making her go on this trip. "Here she is!" she shouted before shoving Emma out of her seat.

"REGINA!"

Snow than rushed over to her daughter pulling her into a tight hug, trapping the blonde's arms at her side.

"Mom are you ok?"

"They tryna get me."

"Who?"

"The po-po." She whispered loudly.

"The what?"

Regina laughed audibly now. This was priceless; she wished she had her camera. Perhaps this trip wouldn't be too bad if things remained this amusing.

"The po-po Emma," Snow continued, "the man! He's after me. They tryna get me for my paper."

"What?" Emma asked thoroughly confused and tried to remove herself from the brunettes grip. "What paper?"

"The cheddar, dolla dolla bills."

The blonde held back a laugh.

"Excuse me miss," one of the flight attendants interrupted, "we need you to go back to your seat"

_This must be the version of the po-po she was talking about._ Emma mused, aprently the flight attendant was the police according to her mother.

"back up off me man!" Snow shouted while releasing her daughter and turning to the attendant. "you don't know me like that."

"please return to your seat ma'am, coach members are not allowed here." The attendant tried again.

Snow gasped, "RACIST!"

"oh for fucks sake," Emma groaned as she rubbed a hand over her face. "mom just do what she says please.

The pixie brunette looked at her daughter with incredulousness, "so you're against me too?"

"What, no-"

"I rebuke you satan!" Mary Margaret shouted at the flight attendant, "take your hold off of my daughter!" The flight attendant screamed as Snow grabbed onto the womans forehead forcefully. "be gone demon."

At this point everyone on the plane had their eyes glued to the scene. Including Regina who was about to keel over in death from laughter. Charming then came through the curtain picking up his wife successfully removing her from the woman.

"JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!" Snow shouted as charming tried to pull her back through the curtains with little success as she held onto the door frame with a vice grip. "AVENGE ME EMMA!"

Emma turned to her wife, "Regina a little help here."

"What do you want me to do?" she chuckled through the words.

"I don't know, use your magic."

"I'm band from magic remember?"

"JUST DO IT!" both Emma and Charming yelled simultaneously.

Regina rolled her eyes, "ok ok no need to shout." With a flick of her wrist time was frozen still, aside from herself and Emma.

"What are you doing?" the blonde asked.

"Helping." She then placed her hands over Mary Margaret's eyes closing them before using her magic to elevate her back to coach. She then motioned to the flight attendant placing her hand on the woman's temple. A large white ring exploded from her going through the entire plane. With another flick of her wrist time continued again. The flight attendant smiled at Emma before politely asking her to sit down again and walked back to her station near the cock pit.

Charming look dumbfounded before turning to walk back to coach. A confused look on his face.

"What did you do?" Emma asked.

"I put your mom to sleep and erased everyone's memories aside from you and me."

"You put my mom to sleep?" she asked apprehensively.

"Don't worry it wasn't the sleeping curse, it's a simple spell to keep her quiet until we land."

Emma sighed in relief. "Thank you."

"Anything for you honey." She smiled.

"But why didn't you erase my memories?"

Regina leaned over to kiss her wife, "because I plan to hold this over you all week, and I wanted to make sure you knew what I was talking about."

Emma groaned as the plane started to descend for a landing. This was going to be a long week.

* * *

So what do you guys think? was it fun? I hope so. Now I will be going back to the regularly scheduled stories since I got this off my chest. ")


	2. Family Barbeque

**Ok so again I have no idea where this came from. I just decided to let my mind be free. So here is what was vomited from the workings of my mind. If there is anything you guys want to see let me know. Enjoy! And thanks so much for all the reviews and follows!**

I don't own OUAT, (Lana, my body's ready.)

Chapter 2. Family Barbeque.

It wasn't long before the group arrived at the large cabin. It was almost too big to call it a cabin, more like a large home with the cabin feel to it. The scene was quite beautiful. There was a huge beautiful lake and the cabin was surrounded by three acres of fresh green grass.

"Good job on the venue David," Ruby praised while staring in awe.

David lifted his arm to flex his bicep, "all in the days work of a prince." He said cockily.

"How did you find it?" Belle asked.

"I searched a whole fort night, and I did not rest until I found the perfect place."

"It was an ad on tumblr grandpa," Henry stated rolling his eyes.

The group all looked at him shaking their heads.

"What? Tumblr has its perks." He shrugged

Regina rolled her eyes and followed her wife inside the cabin. Everyone 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at the interior of the place. All except for Snow. She was still a little weary from the trip. Blaming it on some serious jet lag.

Everyone soon separated, venturing off to find their own room. Emma and Regina headed up the wooden stairs. Stopping at one of the rooms containing a queen sized bed.

"Well at least the rooms aren't bad," Regina stated.

"Yeah and we still get our own space, so it's all good." Emma motioned over to the bed plopping down and screamed as it started to wave underneath her. "Holy shit Regina, It's a water bed!" she squealed with excitement as she flopped more on the bed. "I wanted one all my life!"

Regina rolled her eyes.

"IM LOSING MY SHIT! THIS TRIP IS FUCKING AWESOME!"

"It's not that serious Emma."

The blonde quickly sprang from the bed grabbing her wife by shoulders invading her personal space, "have you ever had sex on a water bed? Do you know the feelings you get? Oh god it's like fucking on air. Zero gravity baby." Her green eyes were wild and dilated. "Please tell me I have my season pass back."

The brunette remained silent, purposely teasing her wife with an amused grin.

Emma wasn't having any of it," DON'T, MESS WITH ME MAN!"

Regina laughed, "Ok, ok Emma calm down. You can have it back."

"OMG I love you." Emma crushed her lips against Regina's. She then moved in front of the bed and bowed down in front of it. "We're not worthy."

"Emma what are you doing?"

"What you should be doing, we have to respect the bed." She reached over roughly bringing her wife to her knees. "RESPECT IT REGINA!"

_**Meanwhile…**_

Ruby and Belle were putting their clothes into the drawers of the room they found. Just as Belle started to fold a few of their clothes she heard Ruby squeal from behind her. She quickly turned around to find Ruby staring at the headboard of the queen bed.

"What is it?" Belle questioned.

"A gift from the heavens…" she trailed.

"What are you talking about?"

Ruby quickly turned around grabbing her girlfriend by the arm facing the headboard. To Belle there was nothing unordinary about the headboard. It was just like any of the others, except it had pole lines going across horizontally. "Don't you see what I see?" Ruby questioned?

"A headboard?"

"NO…handcuff heaven."

"What?"

"What are you blind woman? Look our headboard has POLES. You know what that means!?"

Silence.

"Let's just say you won't be getting away from me." Ruby winked as Belle audibly gulped.

...

After Snow and Charming found their respective rooms, the brunette was feeling a bit peckish and headed to the kitchen. She checked the refrigerator.

No food.

The cabinets.

Empty.

"Well I guess grocery shopping is the first thing we all need to do." She muttered to know one in particular.

Henry then came down beaming from his discovery of the room with bunk beds. He had always wanted one. Maybe after this trip he could finally convince his parents to getting him one. "Hey grandma, what are we gonna eat?"

"Well there seems to be no food so I guess we'll have to go food shopping."

"Are we gonna go now?"

"We'll go as soon as everyone is settled."

...

After everyone else found their rooms they all gathered downstairs. Ruby and Belle were the last to enter. The brunette noticed how the energy was a little strange as they all seemed to lock eyes on Emma who was rocking on the couch like a lunatic. She smirked as she remembered the blonde's mother doing the same thing a couple hours ago.

"Em, you ok?"

Emma squealed.

"What's with her?" Ruby directed the question to Regina.

"The room we found has a water bed." She said nonchalantly.

Deadpan.

"Oh my…your prayers have been answered." She brought her hand over her mouth with tears in her eyes.

Emma jumped from her seat hugging onto the brunette, "Hold me ruby."

The two began to cry in unison.

"It can't be that serious," Regina mumbled while looking at her wife and friend hug each other.

"I'm uncomfortable again." Charming stated.

The rest of the group nodded in agreement.

* * *

The group finally made it to the supermarket, after an hour of fighting over who sits where and who will drive.

The drive was only a couple minutes long and the group was now walking through the parking lot head towards the store.

"Piggily Wiggily?" Snow stated, "What a cute name for a supermarket."

"It sounds retarded," Emma chimed.

"Hey, don't ruin this for me!" Snow scolded.

Emma's eyes grew wide and placed her hands up in surrender. "Ok mom chill, it was a joke."

"Let it go Snow," Charming stated as they entered the store.

Everyone moved to grab their own cart after agreeing to meet up again in an hour.

Emma, Regina and Henry walked down the aisle together.

"Mom can we get some ice-cream?" Henry started.

"Yeah can we?" Emma chimed.

"Fine, _children, _you both can decide on one."

"YOSH!" they simultaneously fist pumped and ran towards the frozen aisle.

...

Snow stood in front of the snacks trying to decide which would go better with her tea. She turned to her husband, "wafers or crackers?"

"Huh?"

"Wafers or crackers, I need to find something that goes well with tea."

"Umm," James scratched the back of his head, "does it matter?"

"Yes it matters, THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS DECISION!"

"It's just tea…and starch."

Mary Margaret gasped exaggeratingly, "tea…just tea…how dare you."

Charming gulped.

"You don't love me…" she started to sob.

"Of course I do." He moved to comfort his wife but stopped as Snow snapped upward staring at him.

"Then help me make my decision."

"Uhh…both?"

The brunette looked at him with wide eyes and covered her mouth with the palm of her hand as tears streamed down her face. "You do love me." She jumped into her husband's arms.

_**Meanwhile…**_

Henry and Emma had finally decided on the ice cream flavor. Chocolate chip cookie dough. The small boy walked over to the freezer opening it and reached for the very last container of ice cream. Just as he tried to grasp it another little boy shoved him out of the way and grabbed it.

"Hey give that back," Henry stated angrily. "I saw it first."

"You were too slow." The red headed boy turned to walk off but Henry grabbed his shirt, stopping him.

"I said give it to me."

"No."

Emma then stepped in between the two boys. "Hey listen kid," she said referring to the other boy, "you're not being fair, I think you should give that back." She was trying to be the reasonable parent.

"My name is Tim." He said crossly.

"Okay, Tim, Henry clearly saw it first I think you should give it back."

"I think you should eat a breath mint!" Tim shot back.

"Listen here you little crumb snatcher," Emma started but was stopped by Henry.

"I got this Ma," Emma stepped back with pride, her son wanted to stick up for her. "Give me back my ice-cream and apologize to my mother."

"Your mothers a bitch." Tim seethed.

Without thinking Henry cocked a fist and punched the other boy square in the face, knocking him on the ground. The Swan kid was on top of the other boy immediately the two of them rolling around on the ground.

Regina heard some of the commotion and quickly made her way to the frozen section. Her eyes grew wide as she saw her son rolling on the ground with another boy and practically seethed in anger as her wife seemed to just watch.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Emma turned around to see her wife fuming towards her.

Regina's yelling caused the rest of the group to gather in the same aisle. The brunette mother moved to break up the fight but was stopped by her wife. "What are you-, Henry get off that boy this instant!"

"He called me a bitch," Emma reasoned.

"KICK HIS ASS HENRY!" Regina shouted.

The boys rolled more, Henry hitting Tim in the face for a third time.

"Bite'em!" Emma shouted, "Bite'em like a little monkey!"

"Bob and weave Henry!" Ruby joined. "No bob…weave…your bobbing when you should be weaving" she gestured with her head.

"GO FOR THE JUGULAR!" Belle screamed. Surprising everyone.

"We're not trying to kill him Belle," Regina stated.

"Yeah Ruby, get your girl." Emma chimed.

Soon the sight of guards could be seen and Emma moved swiftly to pick up her son to remove him from the sight, "time to go." She tossed the boy over her shoulder and ran; exiting the super market. Regina, Ruby and Belle in tow.

Snow and charming casually whistled as they made their way to the counter to pay for the food. No use in this trip being a total bust.

* * *

Back at the cabin Charming and Emma were in the kitchen preparing things after the last minute decision to have a barbeque.

Belle and Snow packed away the rest of the food that wasn't going to be used that day.

Regina, Ruby and Henry were outside setting up the table.

Emma walked outside carrying a tray of burger meat already made into patties as Charming moved to the grill to ignite it. The flame roared and he took a step back. "Now that's a fire!"

The rest of group rolled their eyes. Regina took notice of the perfectly shaped patties.

"Did you make these Emma?"

"Yea why?" She eyed them to see if anything was wrong.

"They look nicely done."

Emma smirked, "wanna know how I did it?"

"Enlighten me dear."

"I had to flip it, rub it and smack it down," she smacked her wife's ass and palmed it for emphasis.

Regina growled.

"I can teach you later," she winked.

"Only if it'll be a private lesson." The two connected for a searing kiss. Regina wrapping her arms around her wife's neck.

Ruby gagged playfully," can you guys like, not do that so close to the food."

The Swan couple ignored her and continued their kissing. Emma now palming both her wife's ass cheeks, squeezing softly.

"Uncomfortable!" Charming shouted.

The couple finally pulled apart.

...

As the food sat on the grill everyone went to find their own thing to do until it was time to eat. Henry ran off to go climb one of the trees in the huge yard while he waited for the food to be ready.

Ruby and Belle were off on the far side near the lake. It was a cute scene, the two of them talking and laughing. Regina lounged on a lawn chair with cold glass of lemonade as Emma helped her father on the grill. Snow was in the process of making a second batch of lemonade.

The trip had started to go nicely, well, until they heard a thud as Henry feel from the tree. That was actually only 4ft tall.

Regina quickly got up and ran over to her son, "Henry are you ok?'

The small boy laid on the ground a spaced out look on his face, "I think I see the light."

Emma rolled her eyes, "oh stop with the dramatics, the tree was the same height as you."

Ruby and Belle ran over, with Snow in tow.

The pixie brunette was the first to speak, "don't move Henry."

"We should call an ambulance," Ruby stated.

"You have got to be kidding me," Emma sighed.

"Mom, where are you mom!" Henry waved his hands in the air.

"I'm here sweetheart." Regina sad sadly.

"I'm so…cold."

"Oh for the love of-" Emma face palmed.

Snow crouched over the dramatic boy, "hold on Henry."

"HE'S FINE!" Emma tried to reason but was drowned out again.

"My sweet sweet boy," Regina teared, rubbing his hair out of his face.

"CURSE THIS BLASTED TREE!" Ruby shouted.

"Fine," Emma started, "If no one wants to pay attention then I'm going to sing." The group continued to fuss over the boy. Except for charming who decided it was best to stay over the grill. Shaking his head. Emma began to sing, "STRIP CLOTHES AND DOLLAR BILLS! STILL GOT MY MONEY!" She sung at the top of her lungs. The group continued to fuss over Henry. "PATRON SHOTS CAN I GET A REFILL! I STILL GOT MY MONEY!"

Slowly Henry and the rest turned to the blonde who was purposely singing off key and very, very loudly.

"STRIPPERS GOING UP AND DOWN THAT POLE. I STILL GOT MORE MONEY. FOUR O'CLOCK WE AINT GOING HOME!"

"Umm...Emma?" Belle questioned. All the attention was successfully off of Henry as they all stared with rapt attention.

Emma switched to another part of the song; "OOOHHHHHHHH, ALL I SEE IS SIGNS ALL I SEE IS DOLLAR SIGNS!" she started clapping her hands. Completely forgetting why she started singing in the first place.

Regina stood and clapped her hands in front of her wife's face. Emma snapped out of her trance, looking at her wife with a blush and cleared her throat. "I'm…I'm gonna go make some tacos."

"We're having burgers," Ruby corrected.

"Well you need burger meat to make tacos, GOD RUBY YOUR SO STUPID!" She shouted before running off. Hoping that would take their minds of her singing.

It didn't. But they would let it pass for now.

Ruby felt her phone buzz and quickly motioned to answer it.

The group soon sat down to eat. Henry pretty much devoured his food. Regina bit into her burger groaning slightly at the taste. Emma's face grew red; she really wanted to get upstairs to the water bed.

A few moments later Ruby came over, a ghost look on her face.

"What's wrong babe?" Belle questioned.

"My grandmother just called."

"Oh?" Snow responded.

"She said she would be coming tomorrow."

"What's so bad about that?' Emma questioned.

"Cora's coming too."

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed this one! If there is anything you want to see feel free to let me know. Reviews feed my muse ")**


	3. Rebel Squad

**Thank you guys so much for all the reviews, follows and favs. It means a lot.** **Sorry for lateness but life was kicking me in the ass.**

**Any who I refilled some requests in this one. A LOT of you guys asked for some 'water bed fun.' So I gave it to you and if any of you lose the ability to can…YOU'RE WELCOME!**

**Also if you DONT WANT TO READ the smut, then skip down to the FIRST LINE BREAK. There is no smut after that. Just a couple references. But you guys can handle that. Enjoy!**

I don't own OUAT.

Chapter 3. Rebel Squad

Regina and Emma lay side by side with heavy breaths. The water still making soft ripples underneath them. The brunette lifted her hand to tuck a tuft of hair behind her ear and turned to look at her wife. "I think you were right, waterbed sex is the best sex."

"Mmhmm," the blonde agreed while nodding and lifting herself off of the bed heading towards the bathroom, making the bed create new waves in her absence.

Regina sighed contently before darting her eyes to the closed bathroom door after hearing some fumbling. "Honey are you ok?"

A few moments later Emma emerged with a large grin on her face, "I am…but you won't be when I'm done with you."

The brunette quirked an eyebrow before scanning her eyes down her wife's body, stopping at the bright red strap-on. She watched as the blonde stalked over to the foot of the bed and began to crawl up towards her, the grin still plastered on her face. "When did you get that?"

Emma stopped when she was fully over the other woman and looked down into her chocolate eyes, "it was on sale," she shrugged, "originally I wanted it just for fun…but now I see it as the perfect thing for my payback." The blonde leaned down to place a kiss on her wife's lips. "You might want to sound proof for this one."

Although confused, Regina waved her hand a few times encasing their room in a spell meant to keep all sounds from escaping outside it. "Payback?"

"Yes, for pushing me out of my seat on the plane…and for being too sexy."

"Oh? And what exactly is my punishment, Miss Swan?" She asked in a saucy voice.

Emma reached down to the harness of the toy and pressed a nearly hidden thin circular button making the red appendage come to life with harsh vibrations. She held back her own moan from the motions on her clit as she focused her vision on the woman below her to answer the question. "Difficulty walking." Without warning Emma thrusted her hips forward entering her wife while leaning down to bite on the pulse point of soft tanned flesh.

Regina moaned loudly, tightly gripping her wife's shoulder as her deep vibrating thrusts covered every inch of her walls. The contained water beneath them rolled, forcing the brunette's hips upward taking every inch of the phallus. She wrapped her legs around the other woman's waist in an attempt to gain some control over her body. But to no avail. Between the motions of the bed and the vibration from the appendage she was already getting close to becoming undone.

Emma gripped onto the sheets on either side of Regina's head continuing to thrust forward deeply as the bed aided her efforts with each wave pushing her wife back up at her. She groaned from the vibrations against her clit.

Regina's breathing soon turned to short wisps of breath as her wife thrusted with more vigor. She dragged her fingers down Emma's toned back leaving eight thin red lines. Emma soothed a hand up and down a now shaking tanned leg on the side of her hip, a sign that the other woman was close. Quickly she pulled out of Regina, who showed a look of pure frustration from being denied her orgasm. "Turn around," the blonde instructed with demand.

The brunette then turned on her hands and knees gripping the sheets to balance herself from the motions of the water bed. Emma then stood on her knees, guiding the phallus into her wife's entrance, pushing through velvet folds. Pale hands gripped the tanned hips in front of her, thrusting with a rough passionate force.

Regina could barely speak as her mouth remained agape, short high pitched gasps escaped from deep within her throat, her eyes closed tightly. The water underneath her continued to lift her body with each rock of the blondes hips. Their headboard banged loudly against the wall and if it wasn't for the sound proof spell it certainly would have woken everyone in the cabin.

Plunging forward the blonde paused momentarily, letting the cock sink deep inside her wife's wet core. She moved her hips in small circular motions; stirring Regina's insides. The brunette released a deep guttural moan; the circular motions laced with the vibration made her toes curl.

Emma then reached forward and grabbed onto both her wife's shoulders, keeping her in place as she started to speed thrust. The contained water beneath them sloshed violently making Emma's thrusts deeper and Regina's dripping sex meet each one, indirectly guiding the phallus to the deep ridges of the brunette's g-spot. Hitting it with a constant pleasurable rough force.

Regina screamed as her orgasm consumed her body roughly, her walls clinching the blonde's temporary member. A thick liquid poured from deep inside her as she convulsed. The clinching of her wife's walls on the phallus put vibrating pressure on her clit bringing forth her own climax, causing Emma to shutter in release. Her thrusts soon slowed to a stop and pulled out as the couple collapsed beside each other for the second time.

The blonde reached down between her legs to shut off the vibrations that were now uncomfortable on her sensitive clit. Lifting her hips she slid the toy off her body letting it get lost somewhere between the piles of clothes on the floor. She looked to the side at her wife who was still twitching from the harsh climax. A large arrogant grin embedded itself on her face as she basked in the glow of her sexual achievement.

"We really should get one of these when we get home," Emma started, the cockiness shining in her voice.

Regina nodded breathlessly. She winced as she shifted to a more comfortable position on her back. The effects of their little game already becoming evident. She was definitely going to be very sore tomorrow.

The blonde gave her wife a look of pity, "you ok Gina?"

"Shut up," she quipped, her voice hoarse from moaning.

Emma beamed as she felt her ego shoot up ten notches. Soreness and a hoarse voice equaled really good sex. Green orbs feel back on her wife whose eyes were already closed and started drifting off to sleep. Exhaustion…triple bonus. She kissed the brunettes cheek before turning on her side to cuddle the other woman and falling asleep.

* * *

The next morning Snow, Charming, Henry, Ruby and Belle all sat around the kitchen table. An array of different types of breakfast foods was laid out in front of them.

Snow reached for one of the muffins, "have any of you guys heard from Emma and Regina. They should be up by now." She looked at her watch that said it was past ten in the morning.

"Well," Ruby started, "they did get the room with the waterbed."

Charming looked down into his bowl of cereal, "can I please get through breakfast."

"What? It's a natural thing."

"I don't need to hear that."

"I heard once…I was jealous."

"Stop…now."

"I mean…how she gets Regina to make those kinds of sounds. It's like a whole new person."

"Oh for the love of-"Charming dropped his spoon into his bowl with a loud clang.

"I'm just saying…but then again…Regina holds her own too, so I've heard."

"Fuck my life."

Snow hit her husband on the arm, "James, Henry is sitting here."

At the sound of his name he quickly got up from the table shaking his head and sitting in the living room.

"See," Snow reprimanded.

"Seriously. You're getting mad at me!?" He gestured both his hands to Ruby in an exaggerated fashion, "she just sat here and talked about our daughter…doing things."

"It's a natural thing honey."

"It makes me uncomfortable!"

The conversation quieted as the sound of feet running down the stairs caught their attention. Emma stopped at the end of the stairs wearing a very bright highlighter colored shirt and a big shit eating grin.

"Hello beautiful people," she nearly floated to the table.

Everyone stared in silence.

Emma looked around curiously, "what?"

"Your shirt," Belle started.

The blonde looked down, "what about it?"

"It's…very bright."

"Oh," she laughed before wiggling her eyebrows, "it glows when my swag is on."

Ruby raised her hand to high five Emma.

Snow sipped her tea, "Emma honey, where's Regina?"

The blonde showed a cocky smirk as she picked up a piece of toast, "still in bed…"

Ruby gasped, "damn Emma what you do?"

"Fuuuccckkkkk," Charming groaned at the subject that just wouldn't go away.

Everyone at the table ignored him as Emma spoke up, "nothing…" she shrugged. "That she couldn't handle."

Ruby laughed as Belle hid a blush behind her mug of hot chocolate. "Must have been good if she's still in bed."

"Or maybe I'm just good," she winked, "she'll only be sore for a little while. I plan to kiss it better."

"THAT'S IT!" Charming quickly got up from his seat storming towards the front door.

Snow called after him, "Honey come back."

"NO! IM VERY VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!" He opened the front door and stormed outside. "UNCOMFORTABLE!" they heard him shout for a second time.

Emma shrugged as she continued to eat. Her and Ruby having random conversation as Belle and Snow cleaned up what wasn't being used. Moments later a limping Regina descended slowly down the stairs.

Ruby watched as she fixed herself a cup of coffee then walked leisurely to the living room, easing herself down into a chair.

Emma looked at her wife with a sarcastic smile, "morning baby."

Regina glared at her in return.

Ruby leaned forward to whisper to the blonde, "she can barely walk, what did you do and where can I learn."

Emma laughed, "it's a secret for those with swag that glows." She said pointing to her shirt.

...

The thumping of loud music could be heard from outside the cabin, making everyone want to see what was going on.

A purple car with bouncing hydraulics pulled up to the cabin containing Granny and Cora.

Henry ran up to them, "COOL!"

"Sup pimpin'" Cora greeted, bumping fists with her grandson. She then turned her gaze to the couples that were standing in front the entrance. "Sup hoes."

Regina rolled her eyes; her mother had been watching gangster movies on HBO again.

Granny got out of the car walked over to group and caught her eye on Emma's bright shirt. "You lose a bet?"

The blonde just shook her head; she was in too good of a mood to let anything get to her.

Eugenia gave a nod to everyone and continued inside to get settled. Cora on the other hand was in the car with Henry who was laughing widely while playing with the hydraulics.

"Where did your mother get a car like that?" Emma asked her wife.

"I don't even want to know," she answered, her voice still a bit raspy.

After a few more moments Henry exited the car in a rush. The small boy rushed past them towards the bathroom to puke up his breakfast after all the bouncing. Regina followed behind him, muttering under her breath at the small twinges of pain she received with each step. She swore on her life she would get her wife back.

Cora turned off the car and grabbed her bag to head towards the cabin. She spotted Emma in her skinny jeans and bright highlighter shirt. "The fuck are you wearing? Turn that shit off."

The blonde smiled, "no can do…it glows when my swag is on."

Cora smiled widely, "ok playa I see you." Her and Emma bumped fists. Turning to leave she entered the cabin and stopped in the middle of the living room. "I HAVE ARRIVED BITCHES! WE 'BOUT TO TURN IT UP!"

After Granny and Cora's….interesting arrival. The group sat around the table to make plans for the day.

"There's a nice bird watching trail a few miles down," Belle suggested.

Snow smiled at the gesture and looked around. Everyone else seemed to be against it.

"Why would you want to watch people get shitted on?" Granny asked.

"What? We're watching birds not…poo." Belle corrected.

"Exactly you're going to watch birds shit…on people."

"If that's what happens I don't want to go." Emma stated.

"Yeah I don't want to get shitted on, this is a new shirt." Ruby Chimed.

"NO ONE IS GETTING SHITTED ON," charming yelled. "New suggestion…Regina what would you like to do?"

Everyone was a bit shocked that James had directed the question towards the former evil queen. They had definitely come a long way.

"Well Henry mentioned you two were going to go fishing."

The small boy beamed, "yeah grandpa lets go fishing!" he wiggled with excitement in his chair.

"Fuck that," Cora interjected, "I vote for a bar."

Emma quickly raised her hand high in the air, "I seconded that!"

"Third!" Ruby jumped.

Regina grabbed her wife's arm, "Henry can't go to a bar, and this is a family thing. _Your_ idea."

Emma sighed, "Babe it'll only be for a few hours. It'll be fine."

"Yea Regina ease the grip on her balls shawty." Cora stated.

The blonde turned to her wife, "listen, go spend time with Henry and we'll be back before you can even miss me. Ok?" she leaned in to kiss her wife. And for a moment they completely forgot where they were as their tongues dueled together.

"Get it!" Granny encouraged.

Charming cleared his throat.

The Swan couple then broke apart.

"Ok," James started, "you guys go to the bar and everyone else will go fishing. Then tomorrow we will all find something to do together…as a family…a very dysfunctional family." He sighed, "Agreed?"

They all nodded.

* * *

Emma, Ruby, Granny sat in the car as Cora drove. Her hydraulics were cut off so they could cruise down the street and show off the spinning rims.

Emma and Ruby simultaneously slipped on their sunglasses as the top was pulled down.

"This car is fucking sick Cora," Emma started. "Where did you get it?"

"If I tell you, then I have to kill you."

The blonde raised her hand in mock surrender. "Ok, sorry I asked."

Granny turned to her friend in the driver's seat, "we need some music…see what's on the radio."

"You right G-money."

"G-money?" Ruby asked.

"It's my nickname for Rebel Squad." Granny answered.

"The fuck is a Rebel Squad?" Emma asked.

"HEY, LIGHTBRIGHT!" Cora yelled from the driver's seat, "don't start none won't be none."

The blonde rolled her eyes, she was beginning to regret going to the bar…and wearing her shirt.

Cora fussed with the radio fishing through the static.

_And I was like baby, baby, baby oh_

_Like baby, baby, baby oh_

_Thought you always be mine_

"DEMOND SPOND!" she quickly changed the station.

"Hey," Ruby whined. "I like that song."

Cora slammed her foot on the break making the car screech to a halt. She turned towards the brunette with an ice cold glare. "Get the fuck out."

Ruby through her hands up, "I was just kidding."

"We don't play no games! You better check yourself before you wreck yourself fool!"

Cora warned before starting to drive again.

Ruby leaned forward to whisper in her friend's ear, "What does that mean?"

Emma shrugged.

This time Granny started to turn the dial on the radio.

_Hey, I just met you and this is crazy_

_But here's my number, so call me maybe._

"Turn it off, turn it off!" Emma yelled. Henry had discovered the song a week ago and played it nonstop. It would be too soon if she never heard that song again.

"I agree with twinkle shirt, new song." Cora stated.

The blonde rolled her eyes at the name. Yep, she really shouldn't have worn that shirt.

The radio fussed again.

_That's what makes you beauti-_

"THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS RADIO!" Cora seethed. She slapped the radio in anger, unintentionally changing the song.

_I love you, you love me_

_We're a happy family_

_With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you_

"Fuck my life!" Cora muttered.

"Was…was that Barney just now?" Ruby question.

"No it was the teletubbies," she quipped sarcastically.

"It was rhetorical."

Emma leaned forward between the bickering and pressed one of the buttons on the radio.

_I'm riding 'round and I'm getting it_

_I'm riding 'round and I'm getting it_

_It's mine I spend it_

"Now that's the shit I'm talking about Swan," Cora turned up the volume slouching down in her seat keeping one hand on the wheel. The four of them bopped their head simultaneously as the song played.

The group soon arrived to the bar and pulled into one of the parking spots. Granny and Cora slipped on their sunglasses with swagger as they stepped out the car.

"What's the plan C-drizzle?" Granny asked.

Cora smiled, "walk in. Fuck shit up. Walk out."

The four of them entered the bar.

…..

_**Meanwhile….**_

"Can we please get on with this," Regina asked annoyed. They have trying to untangle the boat from the dock for a half hour already. And it was pissing her off, that, and the fact that she was still sore from her wife's form of punishment. The tree stump she was sitting on didn't help the cause at all.

Henry waited patiently sitting on the ground with Belle, his feet folded and playing the Carly Jepson song for the fifth time in a row.

Charming continued to fuss with the knotted rope as Snow tried to give directions. "Honey pull the loop to the left…no the left…YOUR OTHER LEFT!"

James growled in frustration, "I only have one left snow!"

Regina rubbed her temples, "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"Why don't we just rent a new boat?" Snow tried.

"The man said this was the last one, so we can't."

"Maybe if you talked nicely to it, it'll help."

Charming raised his eyebrows, "you want me…to talk to the rope."

A nod.

"This rope?" he pointed to the mangled bundle.

Another nod.

"Are you drunk?"

Snow gasped, "How dare you!"

Regina hid a smirk on that statement; this would be a lot more interesting if she were.

"You're asking me to speak to rope," Charming reason.

"I'm just trying to help," Snow started to whimper.

Regina rolled her eyes and with her hands still crossed against her chest she snapped her fingers, successfully untangling the rope with magic. Soon all eyes were on the magical brunette. "What?"

"You could have done that all this time!" Charming asked annoyed.

"I'm not supposed to use magic…remember. I only did as a good deed, so thank me and let's move on with this."

James kicked the boat out of an attempt to hold his tongue and anger. The group then climbed into the boat and drifted into the middle of the lake.

"Ok Henry my boy, get the rods and we'll start fishing."

Regina shifted uncomfortable on the wooden seat of the boat. Emma will definitely be paying for this.

* * *

Back at the bar the foursome was having a good time. They were all laughing, joking and borderline drunk. Emma however, was three sheets to the wind.

Ruby called over the bartender to order them another round of shots. Things had been going pretty good…that is until a certain someone approached Cora.

"Funny seeing you here," the blue fairy, Astrid, asked.

Cora visibly tensed; she and Astrid had a one night stand a couple weeks ago. Well actually…Astrid had wanted something more but Cora was gone by the time she opened her eyes in the morning. "You stalking me or something?"

The comment caught the attention of Ruby, Granny and Emma. They all watched with rapt attention.

"Oh please, I'm so over you." Astrid started.

"Yea well you used to be under me too."

The fairy scoffed. "You're a pig."

"You still let me fuck you."

"Ohhhhhh shit!" Emma instigated.

Astrid looked over at the intoxicated blonde and rolled her eyes before looking back at Cora. "You don't have to worry about that happening again. I have a boyfriend."

"Well whoopty fucking doo for you."

Just then a short gruff looking man entered the bar, scanning the room before walking over to them. He placed a hand on the fairy's back, "everything ok?"

Cora looked at Granny, then looked at the fairy and then to Grumpy. There was a silence before a large guttural laugh escaped her from deep within her gut. "_That's_ your boyfriend…Leroy," she pointed still laughing. She clutched her stomach and leaned onto Granny, "oh shit I can't breathe. HAHAHAHAHA"

Grumpy snarled, "The fuck's so funny?"

Cora wiped a tear, "you…and her…HAHAHAHAHA. What kinda fuckery?" she continued to laugh.

Ruby, Emma and Granny also joining in.

"You got something you want to say me saggy tits." Grumpy started.

Music in the bar scratched as the place grew deathly silent.

"What you say to me?" Cora stood from her bar stole.

"You heard me, you feeling Froggy. Leap!"

"You want a piece of me you fat bastard."

"Ain't nothing but space and opportunity."

"COME AT ME BRO!" She yelled before reeling back and punching him in the face. Knocking the man back a few feet forcing him to bump into another guy who then spilled his drink all over his shirt.

"The fucks your problem?" the much larger man shoved Grumpy, making him slam into another guy. The dwarf ducked as he threw a punch and accidently landed it to someone else's face.

"BAR FIGHT!" someone shouted before a full on brawl broke out. There were bottles flying everywhere. Even a few teeth.

Letting the adrenaline kick in Granny ran up behind a man with a stool and broke it over his head, "Rebel Squad bitch!"

Cora sought out Grumpy to continue her fight. Upon seeing the man she quickly jumped on his back and wrapped her arms around his neck. "We don't play that in my hood!" Leroy struggled under grip and tried to head butt her to no avail. "Rebel Squad!" she punched grumpy in the side of the face.

...

During all the commotion Ruby had slipped behind the bar and was putting bottles in her purse. "Ohh, tequila you're coming home with me." She crawled on the floor searching through the selection and found 12 little bottles of Moscato in different flavors. "Oooo…you're all coming home with me too." She wiped her hand across the shelf before picking up a large bottle of Vodka. "There's room for you too."

Just as she was about to make her way from behind the bar, Ruby caught sight of Emma standing on top of the counter. "Emma what are you doing!?"

"Fucking shit up," she answered referring to Cora's plan and held one of the wooden stools over her head.

"Emma you're going to hurt somebody!"

"I must protect this land!"

"What?"

"We will prevail!" The blonde was totally shit faced.

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"Prepare for glory!"

"Emma get down from there, this is madness."

"Madness!? THIS. IS. SPARTTTAAAAA," she shouted as she threw the chair from over her head and raised her hands in victory.

Ruby's keen hearing caught the sound of police sirens coming near. "Fuck, Emma we gotta go."

"Give them nothing, but take from them everything!"

The brunette rolled her eyes; she was not drunk enough for this shit, "Emma! 5-0."

The blondes eyes grew wide, "5-0 oh shit!" she hoped off the counter. "COO COOO."

"The hell are you doing," Ruby asked, the sirens were getting louder, which meant the police were coming closer.

"The bird call." Emma answered with a _duh_.

"The what?"

"That's how we let them know the po-po is coming. Didn't you watch the video?"

Ruby threw her hands in the air, "what video?"

"The video of these nuts!" Emma started to laugh hysterically. The brunette grabbed her friend's hands and bolted out the door. When they reached outside Granny and Cora were already in the car. The other two quickly got in.

"How did you beat us?" Ruby asked.

"The bird call," Granny answered. "Thanks for the heads up E-Swag."

"What!?" The brunette was beyond confused, "who is E-Swag?"

"Me," Emma answered, "I'm part of the Rebel Squad."

"When did you become part of the Rebel Squad and where the hell was I?"

"It was during the video."

"WHAT FUCKING VIDEO!?"

"Video of these-"

"I DON'T WANT TO WATCH A VIDEO OF YOUR NUTS EMMA!"

"Why would you want to watch Emma's nuts?" Granny questioned.

"She doesn't even have nuts," Cora chimed.

"Yea…and if I did Regina would have them."

Ruby growled much like a wolf before turning in her seat to face the window, "EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP, I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE'S NUTS!"

The car soon filled with an awkward silence. But that awkward energy soon turned into fear as a cop car pulled up behind them. The sirens blaring.

Cora pulled the car to the side and quickly straightened in her seat, "Everybody be cool."

Granny quickly pulled some yarn and two knitting needles from the gloves compartment and pretended to knit. Emma reached into the pocket on the back of the driver seat and opened a cross word book as Ruby pretended to be asleep.

The officer stepped out of the car, a hand on his gun and a flashlight in the other as he approached the four women. His uniform was dark brown and he wore a large matching hat. He almost looked as if he were coming out of a western movie.

Cora rolled down the window politely. "Good evening officer."

The policeman flashed his light in the car before directing his attention back to the driver. "There was a disturbance down at the Shytown bar a few miles from here. You ladies know anything about that?" he looked inside the car again, this time at Ruby who feigned sleep and Emma who pretended to be engrossed with her crossword book.

"Never heard of it."

"Nice car," he stated.

Cora couldn't tell if it was genuine or sarcasm. "It's a rental, but thank you." She put on her best smile.

"Well alright," the officer placed his flashlight down as he smiled, "you ladies be safe." He then sauntered back to his squad car.

* * *

Back at the cabin Regina, Henry, Belle and the Charming's were sitting in the living room. Henry and Belle were entertaining themselves with a board game while Snow and James cuddled in front of the television. Regina lay across the couch with her feet up, it was the most comfortable she had been all day. She studied her phone and thought about calling her wife. It was getting late.

Just as she started to dial the number the front door swung open reveling a slightly bruised Cora and Granny, a pissed off Ruby and a very intoxicated Emma.

"What happened to you guys?" Belle started.

Ruby plopped down next to her girlfriend, "Cora got into a bar fight, Granny helped and Emma. Well just look at her."

The blonde was swaying side to side as she walked towards her wife, a goofy grin on her face. She plopped down roughly on the couch, making Regina bounce slightly with a wince. "A bar fight…mother aren't you a little old for that." The brunette scolded while looking her wife over.

"Not my fault the hoes can't leave me alone."

"What?" Charming questioned.

Belle looked side to side sensing the tension, "Henry do you want to go play upstairs?" The Small boy nodded before grabbing his game and following behind Belle.

Ruby grabbed her girlfriends arm with a smirk, "Will you play with me later too?" The other woman rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Only if you behave." She leaned down to kiss her before disappearing upstairs with Henry.

"What are you talking about mother?" Regina questioned once her son was out the room.

"You are so nosey…if you must know I had a one night stand with…someone and their partner got upset with me."

"A one night stand?" Charming added in disbelief.

"Yes."

"With who?"

"Astrid."

"The blue fairy!?"

"Mother!" Regina scolded.

"What, she was putting out so I took it." Cora reasoned.

"I heard that," Emma stated earning a death glare from her wife. She quickly looked away and kept her mouth shut.

Snow decided to speak, "Cora you took advantage of that poor woman."

"Fuck you Martha Stewart. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!"

"She's got a point," Granny chimed, "you can't go around fucking fairies all willy nilly."

Ruby nodded.

"You know what…I don't care what any of you have to say. Rebel Squad bitches!"

"Damn straight," Emma chimed.

Regina crossed her arms and looked at her wife, "and you, Ms. Swan."

"What?"

"Don't think you're getting off that easy, you told me everything would be fine and it clearly isn't. Need I remind you we have a son who just witnessed you drunk off your ass?"

"Damn Regina," Cora interrupted, "give my homie a break she was having fun."

"Yeah baby why you playing me so close," Emma asked with a hint of an annoyed tone.

"Excuse me?" Regina folded her arms across her chest, daring her wife to challenge her.

"Um...I said...d-do you want some toast, cos…I was gonna make some."

"I thought so," Regina stated powerfully.

Cora rolled her eyes, "Christ Emma grow a fucking pair already."

Emma sighed but remained quiet. She was already in enough trouble as it is. No use in making things worse. The Swan couple then made their way upstairs. Even with Regina's slight limp she held a regal demeanor, while Emma looked more like a puppy with its tail between its legs.

Cora turned to Granny. "I think I'm going to help Emma out."

"With what?"

"Getting her balls back."

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed this one. Again if there is anything you want to see just drop me a line. Also, for those of you who requested the 'water bed fun' I hope it didn't take away from the comedy. Let me know your thoughts. **


	4. Spider

**Hello and welcome to the twisted confines of my mind. :). Sorry about the wait, life is just…well. Life lol. Anyway, I'm sorry if my story lacks certain points from other characters. There are A LOT of people in this fic and it's really hard to involve everyone and keep it entertaining. So with that being said, I hope you enjoy this one. I'm not too confident about it, so let me know please :)**

**FYI: there is smut in the beginning. If you DON'T want to read it, skip to the FIRST LINE BREAK.**

**I don't own OUAT. (I'm still waiting for you Lana.)**

Chapter 4. Spider

Ruby soon made her way upstairs after getting her dose of entertainment from watching Emma get in trouble with her wife. She took the steps one by one with a content grin on her face. Now that the drama has died down, it was time for some uninterrupted…fun, with her girlfriend. The red streaked brunette entered the shared bedroom and gaped at the sight in front of her. Belle was sitting on the bed in a black lacey negligee and red pumps. Ruby nearly drooled.

"I hope you had fun," Belle purred as she stood and swayed her hips while walking towards Ruby.

"Not as much fun as I'm going to have with you," she said as she leaned in for a kiss but was stopped by a slender index finger.

"Oh no, it's not that easy." Belle bit her bottom lip and grabbed her girlfriend by her belt loops. She smirked as she pulled Ruby towards the bed. "I will be making all the rules tonight." She quickly turned their positions and pushed her girlfriend roughly onto the bed.

Ruby gave a saucy hum, "mmm, is that so?"

"Yes," Belle moved to the nightstand and took out a pair of handcuffs. "You're under my control."

Ruby felt her arousal pool between her legs. She loved this side of Belle; it was so rare yet agonizingly sexual. Brown eyes watched as the younger brunette hand cuffed her to the bed poles. "You're so hot when you're like this Belle."

"Ah, ah," she answered with a wag of her finger, "it's Lacey."

The red streaked brunette nearly came on the spot from that piece of information. Having sex with Lacey was a complete 360 from having sex with Belle. She was beginning to think that this vacation was the best idea ever.

Belle…Lacey strutted to the foot of the bed and crawled on her hands and knees her girlfriend and slip up the other woman's body. Their lips met hotly as Lacey shoved her tongue between Ruby's lips, dominating the kiss. The red streaked brunette moaned into the kiss and tried to bring her hips up to create a much needed friction. She had been waiting for this all day. Her patience was thin.

Lacey showed a seductive grin before sliding down the other woman's body nibbling through the fabric. Stopping at the jean clad waist she used her hands to unbutton them and leaned down bringing the zipper into her mouth, opening the pants more with her teeth. Blue eyes looked up directly into brown as her soft tongue ran along the hem of Ruby's underwear, making the brunette squirm. Lacey then grabbed Ruby's pants, tugging them off and letting them fall to the floor. She stood on her knees and leaned over to the night stand to grab a soft red stress ball. "Keep this in your mouth," the blue eyed brunette husked as she held the ball to her girlfriend's face who complied without question and bit down onto the soft rubber skin. "If you drop it, you'll regret it."

Ruby nodded her head in understanding. The younger brunette then crawled back down while keeping eye contact. Stopping at the red underwear, she gripped it with her teeth and proceeded to pull them down with ease. Glancing back up into Ruby's wanton filled eyes again she dipped her head into the other woman's sweet core to lick up the entire length.

The red streaked brunette bit down on the ball that muffled her moans. Lacey wrapped her tongue around the swollen clit, bringing it into her mouth and sucking harshly. Ruby pulled against the restraints while rolling her eyes back in pleasure. She bit down hard on the little red ball and groaned.

The blue eyed brunette continued to suck on the engorged bundle of nerves before entering two fingers and plunging them deep into her girlfriend's wet core. Ruby's toes curled. Her entire body tensed as her orgasm threatened to spill over.

Feeling her girlfriend's core tighten around the slim fingers, Lacey picked up her pace. Ruby moaned loudly, dropping the ball as her orgasm took over; making her convulse.

Without giving the red streaked brunette a chance to come down from her high, Lacey removed her fingers and crawled up the other woman's body. She placed a knee on either side of her girlfriends head. "You dropped the ball, so I need to put your mouth to better use." She lowered her wet sex onto the other woman's face and moaned as a soft tongue shoved itself inside her.

Lacey rocked her hips against her girlfriends face as a hand shot down to tangle itself in brown hair. Ruby then removed her tongue to nibble and suck the other woman's clit. Unable to hold on any longer, the younger brunette shuddered as she climaxed on her girlfriends face.

Belle motioned to lie beside Ruby as they both tried to catch their breath. The red streaked brunette licked her lips with a grin. "Damn I love how you taste."

A giggle, "thank you."

"You're welcome…although I still am a bit hungry."

"What do you want to eat?" Belle questioned as she sat up ready to go downstairs to the kitchen.

"Why don't you un-cuff me and I'll show you."

The young brunette grinned as she straddled Ruby to un-cuff her.

* * *

**The next morning….**

A ray of sun shone through the window placing itself directly onto tanned skin. Regina wrinkled her face before slowly opening her eyes. She felt a strong arm snake around her waist and pull her closer. Emma mumbled something unintelligible and buried her face in the back of her wife's neck. The brunette smiled softly, even though she was still slightly upset with Emma for coming home drunk yesterday, it didn't put any damper on the love she felt for her blonde wife.

Regina decided that she wanted to mess with her wife a little and sensually pushed back against the other woman's belly. Emma stirred only slightly before falling back into dreamland. The brunette then turned around a little too lightly poke her finger in the blonde's ear. A pale hand lazily went up to the ear to swipe at it.

Regina snickered softly before repeating the action and shoving the tip of her pinky finger in her wife's ear. Emma growled this time as she swiped at her ear again and mumbled something about 'stupid mosquitos.' The brunette snorted while pressing her hand against her mouth to keep quiet.

Regina wanted to take their little game to the next level. She gingerly turned herself to face the blonde, careful not to wake her. Softly, she traced a finger along her wife's jaw and down her chest, stopping at a soft breast and tweaking the nipple slightly. Emma moaned lightly.

The brunette smirked and continued down her wife's body to feather her nails on a pale taught stomach. Judging by her wife's furrowed eyebrows and sporadic moans, she knew Emma was definitely aroused and would wake up any moment.

_Time to go in for the kill_, she mused. Regina slid her hand further down towards the blonde's core. She traced a finger along the hem of her wife's boy shorts before sinking her hand inside and quickly finding the hard long shaf-

Wait, what?

Regina looked down at her wife's hips and noticed an engorged phallus bulging from Emma's shorts. "What the hell is that?" The brunette screamed and jumped back, overestimating the width of the bed and falling onto the floor in a heap of sheets.

The commotion woke the blonde in a confused state as green eyes found her wife sitting on the floor with her hands behind her to keep her upright. A fearful and incredulous look on her face. "Regina, what are you-"

"You have a dick!"

In her sleepy state Emma was sure she had heard wrong, "wha-"

"Emma you have a dick!"

The blonde saw her wife point to her hips. Green orbs followed and set sight on a large bulge coming from her shorts. Emma's eyes grew wide, "AHHHH," the blonde rose in the bed and starting slapping away at the appendage as if to knock it off. Only succeeding in hurting herself. "OW! REGINA! WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"So how the fuck did this get here!? Give me my vagina back!"

"Emma I didn't do it."

"Someone had to; I can't just sprout this thing out of the blue." Emma started slapping at her growth again. Slap. "ow." Slap. "ow." Slap "ow…fuuucckk."

"Stop doing that, you're going to hurt yourself!"

The blonde looked down at the phallus and quickly stood from the bed pacing back in forth. "Regina…I have dick…" she looked down, "and balls…how can…FUCKING...GIVE ME MY VAGINA BACK!"

"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T DO IT!"

Just then the couple heard a knock at the door and Snow's voice sounded on the other side. "Are you guys ok?"

"Mommy help me!" The blonde shouted.

Snow the barged in, "Emma what's-" her eyes feel to the bulge. "Regina what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything, your daughter probably fucked up her magic after getting drunk last night." She turned to her wife, "that's what you get."

The blonde moved towards her wife, "I didn't do it."

Regina jumped back, "don't come anywhere near me with that thing!"

"Ok, everybody just calm down," Snow tried. The couple stood silent and looked her way. "Now…how do we get rid of Emma's…friend here?"

"It is not my friend! It's magical evil sausage."

*silence*

"Calm down Emma," Snow tried.

"I can't calm down! I have a dick that's hard enough to cut fucking diamonds and my balls hurt. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP CALM!?"

Charming then came running towards the room to see what the commotion was about. "Everything ok in-" his eyes feel onto his daughter's hard appendage. "…NOPE." He turned to leave.

"Daddy help me!" The blonde shouted.

"NOPE."

"James," Snow yelled.

"UNCOMFORTABLE!" Charming then went into his bedroom and slammed the door.

Snow let out a breath after realizing she wasn't going to get any help from her husband. "Regina…is there anything you can do?"

"It's not my magic. Something like that has a biological connection. If I try to fix it I can either kill her or make things worse."

"What kind of worse?" Emma asked.

"Well…you could end up having…both."

"Oh fuck me with a pine cone."

Snow tried to ignore her daughter's language, "so whose magic is it?"

Regina shrugged, "the only ones here that have magic are me, Emma and…." There was a brief pause. "MOTHER!" The brunette yelled.

Cora strolled into the room with smug grin; "yeeessssss?" The queen of hearts scanned the room and set eyes on Emma's new growth. "Oh I see you got my gift, how do you like it so far?"

"You did this!?" The blonde asked incredulously.

"Of course I did…you really needed to grow a pair. So, I gave you some."

"You gave me a dick!"

"Well you can't exactly have one without the other. Duh." Cora shook her head, "are you really this stupid E-swag."

Regina interrupted, "mother give Emma her vagina back."

"Why? She needs to learn to stand up to you more." Cora grinned, "And would you look at that, it's already working." She said referring to the blonde's still hard member.

"Give my daughter her proper genitals please." Snow tried to appeal to the better side of Cora.

"Ease up off me Martha Stewart."

"Stop calling me that."

"I call it like I see it."

"EVERYBODY JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Emma screamed, she was more than angry at this point.

"Calm down bro," Cora stated.

"I AM CALM OK, BRO" she mocked.

Cora tisked, "so hostile."

Emma growled.

Regina placed a hand on her wife's shoulder, "honey please calm down, you might hurt yourself with all that extra magic."

The blonde shrugged the hand away, "don't tell me how to live my life!"

"Wow E-swag, your balls are finally in place. See, you are how you behave."

"It's, you are what you eat mother," the brunette corrected, "all the more reason you should give Emma her vagina back."

Granny walked towards the room with a disgruntled look, "what in the hell is with all the yell-…Emma the fuck…what kinda freaky shit is going on in here?"

"Cora won't give Emma her vagina back." Snow answered.

Granny turned to her friend, "c-drizzle…you can't just go around taking people's vagina's all willy nilly."

"I do what I want."

"The fuck are you going to do with Emma's vagina?"

The blonde suddenly felt the need to throw up. Regina was ready to smack fire out her mother and Snow just stood appalled. It was the most awkward question of the century.

Cora seemed to pause for a moment before raising her hand and restoring the blonde's proper genitals. The bulge slowly faded away. "Fine…I try to help you pussies out and all I get is a big fuck you. Well fuck you all too!" Cora turned to Granny, "Rebel Squad out! Deuces bitches." The two older women left.

Snow looked around awkwardly before turning to leave.

Emma faced her wife, "who the fuck wakes up to shit like this?"

"Language dear."

"I'm sorry, I just…" the blonde looked into her pants to confirm that her proper sex was there. It was. She placed a hand over it and made a pouty face. "I missed her."

Regina rolled her eyes, "I'm happy for you." Sarcasm.

"So…I think I need to run some tests," the blonde stated with a grin as she walked towards her wife.

A raised eyebrow, "tests?"

"Yea...to make sure she still works." A wink.

"Hmm…I suppose I could see what I could do." The brunette stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her wife's neck and tiptoed slightly for a kiss.

* * *

**Later that day…**

Granny, Cora, Henry, Snow, Charming, Emma and Regina sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast. The table was once again over flowing with a variety of breakfast foods. The conversation seemed to go normal for the most part. That is until they got interrupted by a glowing Belle and a very tired looking Ruby. The couple silently sat at the table. Belle fixed a plate of food for her girlfriend before making one for herself.

Emma looked at her wife, "how come you don't do that for me anymore?"

"Do what?"

"Make my plate."

"Your hands aren't broken."

"So? You still used to do it."

"I guess I just…forgot."

Cora intervened, "that's why you should have kept my gift E-swag. Then you'd know how to handle your woman."

"I handle her just fine."

"Excuse me? I am not some object you need to 'handle'." Regina defended with air quotes.

Cora shook her head, "I don't let any of my hoe's talk to me like that."

"Damn straight," Granny agreed

"Mother! Henry is sitting here."

As if on cue the small brunet got up and left the table. Charming followed behind; he still wasn't completely ok with the events that happened earlier this morning and wanted to avoid anything else that may scar him further.

"I'm just saying…don't step on my stylo."

Regina and Emma both rolled their eyes.

Snow decided to speak up, "I think Emma has a point Regina. It is a nice gesture."

"See," the blonde stated with a hand towards her mother, "my mom still makes a plate for my dad."

Regina grabbed a muffin and tossed it onto her wife's plate, "happy now?"

"Not if you're gonna be all bitchy about it."

Belle spoke up then, "guys…it's just food. I wanted to do something nice for Ruby because she did something nice for me." The brunette looked at her girlfriend, "right baby?"

Ruby nodded and chewed her food slowly, almost as if it was causing her pain.

"You ok Rubes?" Emma asked.

The red streaked brunette nodded again.

"You sure?"

A nod.

"Speak girl!" Granny yelled.

Ruby sighed and mumbled.

"Huh?" Emma asked as she and the other's at the table leaned forward to hear better.

"I can't…"

"Can't what?" Snow questioned.

"My jon hursh." She slurred. Belle blushed.

"What?"

"My…jaw…ish hursh."

"The fuck are you trying to say?" Cora asked irritated.

Ruby blushed a deep red and Emma started to laugh with Regina following suit. The Swan couple doubled over in laughter.

"Did I miss something?" Snow asked.

"Where the fuck is the pot these bitches were smoking?" Granny asked.

Emma wiped a tear as her laughter calmed into a chuckle, "I…I just…" she looked at Ruby, "did you too happen to go…how you would say…"

"Digging for pearls," Regina answered and the two started laughing again.

"The fuck is going on!?" Cora stated, "And why aren't these bitches sharing their weed. There are laws against that in my hood. People get shot."

The couple calmed down and Emma spoke first, "let's just say…Ruby may have eaten more that she could handle."

"It's happen to us before," Regina clarified. "It's like when you eat too much on thanksgiving and your stomach hurts. Same thing except, the ache is in your jaw."

Ruby and Belle blushed an even deeper shade of crimson.

"I'm too old for this shit," Granny stated as she got from the table.

...

Regina, Belle and Ruby were in the kitchen cleaning things up from the breakfast. Belle had her hands submerged in water as she washed dishes, while Ruby 'helped' by standing pressed against her back and placing kisses for 'motivation' to finish faster. Regina was packing all of the unused food into the fridge.

She tried not to get annoyed by the constant giggling from the nearby couple. Her ears twitched upon hearing the familiar sound of kissing. Brown eyes looked over to find Ruby kissing up Belle's neck hungrily as the younger brunette bit her bottom lip. Regina sighed, "We do have rooms available."

Ruby stopped her kissing but remained behind her girlfriend; she turned her head to reply but froze on the spot. Her body tensed and her eyes grew wide. Sensing the tension, Belle turned towards Regina and gasped.

"What?" The brunette asked.

Ruby just pointed.

Regina followed the finger and looked above her head to find a large black spider dangling above in midair. "EMMA!" She screamed as she ran from the sight and ducked under a table.

The blonde came running in upon hearing her wife scream, Snow, James, Cora, Henry and Granny in tow. "What babe, what happened?"

"Spider," she squealed.

"Seriously Regina, you called me in her for a fucking- HOLY SHIT!" Emma screamed upon seeing the large spider.

"It's a mutant!" Cora yelled.

"KILL IT, KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Emma screamed.

Granny then ran upstairs to retrieve a proper weapon for battle.

Snow guided Henry over to the table where his brunette mother, Ruby and Belle were hiding. The blonde then walked over to her wife and kissed her, "if I don't make it today…know that I love you."

"Be careful dear."

"I will."

James rolled his eyes.

"Henry," Emma started, "protect your mom."

The small brunet saluted, "you got it ma."

"Ok…I'm going in." Emma stood and puffed out her chest as she walked over to her father and Cora.

"Alright," Cora started, "we bout to throw down up in here! Turn up!" The queen of hearts the pushed the palm of her hand forward allowing red magic to seep through towards the spider; knocking it down.

Charming grabbed a broom and chased after the fast moving spider. Emma grabbed a large soup pot cover and a wood spoon.

"What are you going to do with that?" James questioned.

"I'm working with what I have! DON'T JUDGE ME!" the blonde yelled.

"Hey! Brady bunch," Cora interrupted, "concentrate on the fucking spider."

Emma ran after the insect with the wooden spoon raised high in the air and using the pot cover as a shield. She swiped at the spider with as much speed and force she could muster. The bug continued to zigzag across the floor.

Charming jumped out in front of it. But as soon as he saw the oversized spider coming his way he panicked, "oh, shit. WHY IS THIS SPIDER SO BIG!?" He tried to stomp on the large bug but ended doing something similar to a river dance.

"The fuck are you doing?" Cora hissed, "this is a war not soul train!"

Emma ran after the spider again, "FOR NARNIA" she threw the pot cover at the insect which landed directly on one of its leg's taking it off completely. "YEAH! CHEW ON THAT YOU SEVEN LEGGED BASTARD!"

"REBEL SQUAD BITCHES!" Cora screamed and shot more magic at the spider, which disappeared behind the cabinet.

"What do we do now?" James questioned as they corned the bottom cabinet they saw the spider go under.

"I don't know, it's probably back there training…getting stronger." Emma stated. "Lifting weights and shit."

"True that…that little shit was gangsta." Cora agreed.

Just then Granny came behind them holding a small torch blower, "step aside you pansies. I got this."

"No wait," Emma placed out her hand, "you can't burn the cabinet. You'll ruin the house."

"And I'm not paying for that," James chimed in.

"We have to draw him out," the blonde suggested.

"Hand me the broom Charming," Cora asked. James acquiesced and handed the broom over. The queen of hearts then shoved the broom roughly in the space behind the cabinet; successfully fishing the spider out, causing it to scurry across the room.

Emma and James ran after spider leading it towards the sliding door that lead to the outside. As the insect made its way over Granny quickly jumped in front of the insect and pointed her torch towards it. "SAY HELLO, TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" She pressed the trigger releasing a wide line of fire and successfully burned the spider to a crisp.

Everyone, including the one's hiding under the table, came over to form a circle around the barbequed insect.

"Is it dead?" Henry asked.

All eyes peered down to the lifeless spider.

Regina placed an arm around her son shoulders, "yes sweetie, it is. We're safe."

"I need a drink after this shit," Cora stated before turning to the kitchen.

"I seconded that," Emma stated but changed her mind after receiving a glare from her wife. Apparently she was still in trouble.

Ruby and James decided to clean up the charred spider as everyone else went to sit in the living room to plan out the events for the day.

* * *

**Hope I didn't disappoint. Again if you guys want to see anything tell me please! Please review, they make me happy.**


	5. The Hike

**sorry for lateness**

I don't own OUAT (I'm still waiting for you Lana)

Chapter 5. The hike

The Charming's, the Swans, Ruby, Belle, Henry, Granny and Cora were all walking up the hiking trail near the cabin. It was Henry's idea to go hiking; and after the spider scenario just a few short hours ago, everyone decided it would be best just to get out the house. To do something as a family.

It seemed like a good idea at first. Until they all realized just how hot it was outside. A Half hour into the hike they were all sweating and panting. The dusty and rocky trail did little to ease their growing frustrations.

Emma pulled her hair into a high messy bun before reaching into the backpack her wife was caring for a bottle of water. She opened it and drank eagerly. "Whose idea was this again?" she whined.

"Your son." Regina answered as she took the bottle from the blonde's hand.

"Hey get your own water."

"What's yours is mine."

Emma rolled her eyes and looked over her wife who was wearing green cargo shorts and a V-neck white t-shirt. "You're lucky you're cute. Otherwise I would have cut you for that."

"Damn straight" Granny chimed in while overhearing the couple's bickering. "We cut bitches back in our hood." she said with a nod. "Aint that right C-drizzle?"

After not receiving an answer they all looked back at a red faced panting Cora.

"You ok Cora?" Ruby asked.

"Do I look like I'm ok!? It's hotter than the devils vagina out here!"

"Mother!"

"How would you know what the devil's vagina is like?" Ruby asked.

Charming turned to his wife, "are they really doing this right now?"

Snow sighed before stopping and speaking up. They were coming to a wide clearing. Basically a big dusty circle with rocks and tree stumps. "How about we all take a break here."

Everyone agreed and moved to find a flat large rock or tree stump to sit on. Snow reached into her own back pack and began to pass out bottles of water. Cora was the last to receive hers. Snow leaned forward with a smile and handed the queen of hearts her water, "Here you g-"

Before she could finish her sentence Cora had fallen backwards off her tree stump. "Oh my damn." She covered her nose with the palm of her hand.

"What's wrong with you?" Emma asked.

"Snow's breath." Cora gagged. "It's kicking like hot sauce."

"Mother!" Regina chastised while Emma and Ruby tried to hide their laughter.

"Don't mother me! Her breath smells like sautéed ass!"

"Oh that's nasty," Granny chimed

"Don't be ridiculous Cora," James stated.

"Your wife's breath just violated me!"

"My breath does not smell!" Snow defended, "I use Listerine."

"WELL SWITCH TO DISINFECTANT!" Cora fanned her hands around herself. "Oh fuck, it lingers!" Snow opened her mouth to speak again but was cut off, "No step back you'll singe my eyebrows!"

Mary Margaret looked as if she was about to cry. Emma nudged her wife, silently asking her to do something.

"Ok mother that's enough, "Regina tried.

"Nah fuck that. NO ONES BREATH SHOULD SMELL LIKE THAT!"

"Ok Cora," James warned while sitting next to his wife. Trying to ease the embarrassment.

"Damn I think it burned my nose hairs," the queen of hearts continued, "am I bleeding." She turned her face to Granny.

"Nah you good C-drizzle."

"You can stop with the dramatics Cora," Emma stated getting serious.

"Your mother's breath is a tragedy, E-swag."

There was a sudden switch in energy as the blonde stood from her seat on the rock, "Stop talking about my mother."

Sensing the challenge the queen of hearts stood as well, "you feeling froggy E-swag?" she spread her arms out. "You want some of this."

The blonde crossed her arms in front of her white tank top clad chest, "stop with the jokes about my mom."

"Oh I get it," Cora grinned, "you getting all puffed up in the chest because you can't think of any jokes yourself."

Emma scoffed, "I'm from Boston...we'll techinically." She corrected after remembering that she was originally from fairytale land. But that was beside the point. "We play the dozens all the time. You can't beat me in the art of 'yo momma' jokes."

The two stepped closer to each other, staring eye to eye.

James spoke up then, "can we please just have a normal family day. I was finally finding my comfort zone. Let's not ruin it."

"Emma let it go," Regina warned. But neither party heard as they continued to stare each other down.

"I say let'em go at it." Ruby stated.

"It will definitely take our mind off the heat," Belle chimed.

In reality, there was no way that they would be able to stop them. Both Emma and Cora were stubborn. Trying to change their minds would be like trying to light a wet match. Impossible. The brunette sighed in defeat as James shook his head.

Granny stood in the middle of the two standing woman with a tambourine.

Belle leaned over to Ruby, "when did your grandmother get a tambourine?"

She shrugged, "I don't know but my guess was it was in her bra. I swear she can fit people in there."

Granny hit her hand against the tambourine once. "Alright everyone shut the hell up!" she stalked around the circle with the sitting audience. "Here's how it goes, E-Swag and C-drizzle will say their best jokes and you will decide the winner." She looked around, "any questions?"

Snow raised her hand, "does my vote count since I am the brunt of the joke."

Granny thought for a second, "Yes, now stop talking. Your breath is making my eyes water."

Emma and Cora walked around in circles, never taking their eyes off each other. As if they were stalking their pry. Emma the fearless lion in her beige cargo short and white tank top. Cora the bear in her brown shorts and white shirt.

Henry looked up at his brunette mother, "mom, should I be here for this?"

"Probably not."

"So what's going to happen?"

"stupidity." She answered with her arms and legs crossed as she sat on the tree stump.

Henry chuckled a bit before smiling at his mother, "is Ma in trouble?"

Regina turned to look at her son with a smirk, "more than you know." The two then turned to look at the duo that had finally stopped circling.

Granny still stood between them and raised her hand like a flag. "You ready C-drizzle?" Cora raised her arms above her head like wings as she stood on one leg, mimicking the Karate crane stance before belching a loud 'Hi-yah!'

Granny then turned the other way, "you ready E-swag?" Emma rolled her neck and loosed her shoulders. Her joints cracking in the process. "You bet."

"Alright," the older woman started again, "ready…set," she took one last glance at both women. "POP OFF!" She lowered her hand as if waving a flag and ran to sit back down to watch.

"Age before Swag," Emma started.

Cora smirked, "your momma's so stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund."

"I DID NOT!" Snow defended.

Ruby sighed, "They're not really talking about you Snow."

"Yeah, now shut the hell up. Your breath is creating a fog." Granny chimed.

Snow huffed and crossed her arms while looking at her husband. "I don't like this game."

"I don't like this trip," he responded.

Emma looked back at her opponent with a smirk, "that's the best you got?" she put her hands on her hips.

"So speak your piece E-swag!" Cora responded.

"Your momma's so fat; you have to take a train and two buses to get on her good side." The audience laughed audibly, fueling the blonde's ego.

"Your momma's so short when she sits on a curb her feet dangle." The queen of hearts mimicked the movement with her fingers.

"THAT IS NOT TRUE!" Snow interrupted.

"SHUT UP SNOW!" The group responded.

The blonde raised an eyebrow before retorting, "Your momma's so stupid when I told her it was chilly outside she went and got a bowl."

"Your momma's hair so short she has to roll it with rice."

"Your momma's so hairy she has afros on her nipples!" Emma came back quickly. Granny nearly keeled over in laughter. Ruby and Belle were nearly falling over each other. Regina even covered her mouth to hide her snickering.

"The fuck you grow afros on your nipples. Hahahahaha." Granny laughed, "I can't breathe! Oh shit! Good one E-swag."

The blonde raised a cocky eyebrow. "Come at me." She said with her arms wide and taking a few steps back.

Cora narrowed her eyes, "your momma so ugly her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory!"

Emma dropped her jaw.

"IT IS NOT!" Mary Margaret yelled.

"SHUT UP SNOW!" the audience responded.

Ruby leaned over to Belle, "this is getting good."

"Yeah all we need is popcorn." The brunette then quickly focused her eyes on Regina.

The woman rolled her eyes and waved a hand giving everyone their individual bowl of popcorn. She discreetly made one for herself. Truth be told, she was actually enjoying the little entertainment before her. But she wouldn't tell Emma that.

The blonde seemed to recover and shook off the blow, "your momma's so ugly her face is closed on weekends!" The two stepped closer to each other.

"Your momma smells like hot ass on a cold day!"

"Your momma's so ugly her photo album come's with warning labels!"

Cora's mouth opened and closed a few times. Speechless. The area around them grew deathly silent. Emma smiled, "oh what's the matter Cora?"

Before Cora could answer, Granny interrupted. "Never thought I would see the day you fall speechless C-drizzle." She looked at the blonde. "You win E-swag."

Emma shrugged cockily, "I know." She chanced a glance at her wife who was wearing a soft smile. The blonde sauntered over, "what's that look for?"

"You made my mother speechless."

Emma shrugged, "eh…its talent." She stated in jest before leaning down to kiss her wife's lips.

"Fuck this game," Cora said angrily, "lets finish the hike before I melt my clit off in this hot ass weather." She talked forward, "Rebel squad out. C'mon R- hustle."

"Who the hell is R-hustle?" Emma questioned as everyone gathered their bags and continued down the trail.

"That's me," Ruby answered, "I'm part of the Rebel Squad now."

"When did you become part of the Rebel Squad and where the hell was I?" the blonde questioned as she walked beside her friend, letting the others go ahead.

"During the video."

"What video?"

"The video of these nuts!"

The blonde was slack jawed and stopped mid-walk. "What the hell Rubes that's my line!" Emma whined. Regina caught sight of her wife. With a roll of her eyes she walked back towards Emma, grabbing her arm and forcing her forward. "She stole my line babe."

"Let it go Emma," the brunette sighed.

"No, she can't just go around stealing people's lines."

Regina shrugged, "perhaps she wants just wants to be like you."

"AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!"

The brunette ignored her pouting wife and continued forward. She really hoped that things would be better once they get to the end of the hike**.**

* * *

**Sorry for shortness and the wait. I will try to get the next one up soon. I hope this one doesn't disappoint. But I wrote this during the day rather than at 4 in the morning like the others. So if it wasn't funny I apologize.**


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